5 Things You Should Change About Your Husband

I really hate all of the “its just the way I am” business. Life is about growing and changing and while in relationships its important to take people where they’re at, I think its important, healthy even, to expect them to be better today than they were yesterday (or at least better next year than they were this year… because on a day to day basis it might be a little trickier :P).

I know, everyone says you shouldn’t try and change your spouse. But on that note, here are 5 things I think you should actively try and change about him. He’ll thank you for it too 🙂

  1. His view of marriage: Each marriage is unique. Each couple brings different things to the table. My goal is to have Ben’s views of marriage be better than they ever were … and also for him to ditch any stereotypes he had about what a marriage should look like. Ours will be different, it is different.

That said, there are HUGE benefits for having models of strong successful marriages. I needed to realize that our relationship wouldn’t be my parents, but that didn’t mean I shouldn’t strive to treat Ben with as much respect, love, and service as my parents do.

  1. His view of himself: You should see the best in your spouse (and in your significant other, your friends, your family), and you should help them to see it. My goal is to help Ben recognize the amazing man (present and potential) that he is. Its done by treating him as if he were who he is capable of being and constant support.

This only works when I keep that view of him. When I get caught up in petty things I am no longer inspiring or motivating. I actively work to see and love his potential to help remind him of that.

  1. His hopes and dreams: Going along with #2, almost always, our dreams can be bigger than they are. Who better to help you realize this than the person who knows and loves you best?

I am not trying to say you should try and change his ambitions, just to realize his potential. If you love the idea of him being a lawyer and he’s always wanted to be a farmer…I do not advocate you continuously trying to convince him otherwise.

  1. His view of you: Yes, you should know each other pretty well before you get married (ha! that’s funny coming from a person who knew her husband for exactly 8 months before she married him), but you can’t know them perfectly. Let him continue to get to know you through open communication and being yourself.

Other than regular cuddling, one of the best things you can do for your marriage is learn how to communicate effectively and kindly. Every successful couple I’ve seen is excellent at this (the cuddling and the communicating)…and I’ve seen it do wonders for ours.

  1. How much he loves you: Now, this is a two way street. None of these things are really things you can change about your husband all on your own. But, by working together, love isn’t something you have, its something you build. I love Ben so much more today than I did three years ago… and its not just because we’ve been married for a few more years. Its because in those few years we’ve worked, we’ve struggled, we’ve grown, we’ve changed, and throughout it all we’ve made our marriage a priority. He’s changed my capacity for love, and I hope I’ve helped his grow just a bit 🙂
So what do you think? Is expecting change too demanding?
What else would you advocate “changing?”

and because I’m feeling a bit sentimental — ben and me over the past four years: 

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    1. Thanks Carly 🙂 miss you more, obviously …especially now that Neil makes the occasional appearance in Chuck …

  1. Love this post! It takes courage to write about this topic and I'm glad you did. I agree with each point, especially the first one. It's refreshing to hear someone be realistic and honest about marriage. 🙂

    1. Thank you! This outlook on marriage and change has been so helpful for us and it's not something I think enough people talk about.

  2. this is a great post. i was a bit skeptical about the title but when i got into it i loved it

    1. Welcome! And I'm glad someone else shares this view …its done wonders for the way we approach each other in our marriage 🙂

  3. I absolutely love this post and I definitely agree with you. Wanting and helping someone to grow and improve is real love… Allowing them to be constantly content where they are is not really showing love because we're wired to be more… It's what makes us happy

    1. Totally with you on that one – I think that we're constantly bombarded with messages like "just be yourself" "thats just the way you are" "you shouldn't change for anyone" — and while there is some truth behind some of those…the implications for it in relationships aren't helpful.

  4. Oh yes I love this! I'm ALWAYS approaching our marriage from a "how can we be doing better" stand point, and I used to worry that I was trying to "change" my husband too much. It really is good to grow together like this though, and you said it perfectly!

  5. I'm an FLE instructor & saw the title of this post & was like GIRL NO. But I think these are beautiful suggestions after reading. I love the idea that of not exactly changing someone, but helping them unlock their potential. Nicely put, nicely put.

    1. haha thanks Andy! Glad the title had the desired effect 😉 Its more about being open to growth and change yourself and helping the other person along their own path – glad the FLE instructor approves!

  6. You guys are so adorable. I love how teasing your titles are 🙂 Definitely one of my favorite blog couples =P

  7. Great! I totally agree. Just came upon your blog from life of Bon!

  8. Such good advice! I can really relate to #2 & #4. One of the reasons that I fell in love with my husband is because he is a dreamer. But finding the time and the courage to chase our dreams is much harder than just dreaming them up. I love that aspect of our marriage, pushing each other and pulling out the best in one another. Thanks for the advice =)
    PS… Go Reds! I noticed you are from Ohio and saw that you had a picture with the Reds logo in the background. My husband is from Northern KY and is a die hard Reds fan.

    1. We are really finding that to be true with a new baby – we have so many other projects and ideas but by the time the little one goes to bed we are both just exhausted 🙂

      And thats so fun! We were in Cincinnati for about a year and really loved it (and made it to a couple of reds games). Now we're a few hours north but we get back down to cincy whenever we can 🙂