Most weeks I feel like there isn’t a moment to stop and catch my breath. If I’m not feeding a baby, I’m changing a baby. If the baby doesn’t need to be changed he needs to be put to sleep. And, if the baby happens to be sleeping, then I better be sleeping too because both of us will be awake within three hours.
To be honest, there have never been more tears of pain, exhaustion, frustration, or joy than in this past month. I expected delivery to be hard, but I didn’t really have expectations for the first little bit of life with a baby. I have been living off of the support of family, the hope that it gets better, and lots of prayer. But, amid the sleepless nights, the terribly sore breasts, and the healing body, there are the most tender moments.
Tonight there was a moment while I was feeding Linc when I found those wide blue eyes staring up at me. For minutes we just gazed at each other, him and I, and in those minutes I forgot that I’ll wake up every three hours tonight, that I’ll leak through at least two shirts tomorrow, and that I might not find six minutes to shower. In forgetting I was reminded this is no longer about me. Life now is about him, this perfect little spirit that God has trusted this imperfect mother to love and to raise. And oh how I love him.
I love his tiny little fingers and the way his mouth moves when he’s hungry. I love the little noises he makes while he sleeps and the way he responds to my voice. I love his fascination with lights and his awareness of music. I love the way he smells after a bath and how he fits so well snuggled in my arms. I love what he is teaching me and who I am becoming as I learn to be his mother. I love the spirit he brings to our home and that, for us, ‘family’ has new meaning.
Nothing worthwhile was ever easy. Sometimes its happy and sometimes its not, but it is always joyous, and it is always worth it.
^another thing that brings more joy than I expected – watching Ben and Linc together…even when its during a 4 am feeding, watching my husband take care of our little one and have fun with him is the most beautiful thing
just a few pictures we snapped a few weeks ago when Lincoln still fit in his newborn clothes (the top one is already framed in our bedroom 🙂